[ connor starts crying when he gets the memory at the chicken feed. hank's overwhelming happiness to be reunited with him, the ending he couldn't have. the tears start flowing quietly, wordlessly. it hurts so much to know how happy he could have been. but the pain is good in its own way.
there's so much to work through (including, yes, the awkward feeling of understanding what he was like when hank slept with hale --- wait what?!) but eventually he gets through the whirlwind of hank's feelings. that he is trying. that he is becoming better.
so connor shares his - his attempts, here, tonight to think for himself and have imagination and try things that he'd never tried before. he shares his love for han. it feels like a whirlwind. it is intense and quick and sometimes terrifying, the way he feels like han might just slip from his fingers if he holds him too tight. the way he'd almost lost him, the despair he'd felt that he could've hurt him and fucked up. he shares the sex -- mindblowing, amazing sex that makes it so easy to forget everything else. (and how desperately he needed to forget everything else.) he shares dying in han's arms, telling him he loved him. and how truly he meant that.
but then, the love he feels for hank. where his feelings for han are a whirlwind, hank is a mountain. he is strong and stable. he is a warm hug and a comforting hand on his shoulder. that no matter what the problem he had, hank was there to fix it. he admired hank, regardless of his flaws. that he wanted so badly for hank to be happy. that he could never imagine a life where hank wasn't there to catch him if he fell. but he'd died in hank's arms, too. when he'd taken a bullet for him. and didn't hank understand that? that he'd die over and over again for this man? and didn't he understand how badly it hurt him to think that, instead, he was hurting him? he had never teased him to make fun, only because he loved talking to him. only because what he felt for hank was love, too.
two different kinds of love for the two most important people in his life. he cannot untangle it and he does not know what to do with it. it terrifies him. but he can no sooner delete or ignore those feelings. ]
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there's so much to work through (including, yes, the awkward feeling of understanding what he was like when hank slept with hale --- wait what?!) but eventually he gets through the whirlwind of hank's feelings. that he is trying. that he is becoming better.
so connor shares his - his attempts, here, tonight to think for himself and have imagination and try things that he'd never tried before. he shares his love for han. it feels like a whirlwind. it is intense and quick and sometimes terrifying, the way he feels like han might just slip from his fingers if he holds him too tight. the way he'd almost lost him, the despair he'd felt that he could've hurt him and fucked up. he shares the sex -- mindblowing, amazing sex that makes it so easy to forget everything else. (and how desperately he needed to forget everything else.) he shares dying in han's arms, telling him he loved him. and how truly he meant that.
but then, the love he feels for hank. where his feelings for han are a whirlwind, hank is a mountain. he is strong and stable. he is a warm hug and a comforting hand on his shoulder. that no matter what the problem he had, hank was there to fix it. he admired hank, regardless of his flaws. that he wanted so badly for hank to be happy. that he could never imagine a life where hank wasn't there to catch him if he fell. but he'd died in hank's arms, too. when he'd taken a bullet for him. and didn't hank understand that? that he'd die over and over again for this man? and didn't he understand how badly it hurt him to think that, instead, he was hurting him? he had never teased him to make fun, only because he loved talking to him. only because what he felt for hank was love, too.
two different kinds of love for the two most important people in his life. he cannot untangle it and he does not know what to do with it. it terrifies him. but he can no sooner delete or ignore those feelings. ]