deadtention | R1 DEADLAND

[ connor is quiet for a long time. then he closes the cover to the piano keys and shakes his head. ]

It wouldn't be the same thing.

[ Huh. Well. Now Connor's upset. Fuck. Hank should probably say something.

He really doesn't want to, but the silence is getting so awkward..... ]

Connor, look, I... I don't want to get between you and him. You know how I feel, and I know you're never gonna feel the same way, okay? I'm. I'm fine with that.

[ He sighs. ]

It's torture on me when you play along. You're kinda rubbing salt into my wounds here, you know?

[ connor stands to look at him. those words clearly hurt him, the guilt and pain written out on his face clear as day. ]

I'm sorry, I -- I would never want to hurt you like that.

[ Hank is still confused. Connor's the one who told him he couldn't be that -- why's pointing it out making him so upset? ]

I know. I know you're not... you're not doing it on purpose. You're just... this is how you are. You're nice. You try to please people.

[ Hank stares down at his hands for something to look at. Maybe to avoid that pained look on Connor's face. ]

You don't have to play along just because you wanna please me.

I don't treat you the way I treat other people.

[ he has always, consistently prioritized hank over everyone else. ]

[ Ah. That's fair. Hank now has the memories to back that up, too. At Cyberlife... he'd held off on freeing thousands of androids. Just for him. ]

I know.

[ Hank sighs. He's fucking it all up!! Good going, badbrain. He looks back at Connor again. ]

I know. We're partners. I just... [ Yep, back to staring at his hands. ] Fuck, I know I have to get over this, it's not your fault I'm a lonely old fucker who can't keep feelings from fucking shit up. I get that.

[ Hank brings his hands to his face, groaning with frustration. ]

Goddammit.

[ Connor doesn't deserve this. Connor doesn't deserve him. Some old guy who's depressed? Who couldn't quit drinking until he died? Why would Connor want someone like that? Why can't Hank's depressed brain shut up and stop saying such nonsense? ]

I'm sorry, Connor. You shouldn't have to get this shit from me. I should be over this.

I don't know what to say.

[ that's important, because he almost always does know what to say. he's literally programmed for that. but he feels so sad, hearing all of this. hollow, like his insides have been taken out. he is pulled between two horrible choices -- he cannot tell hank that he does not love han, because that would be untrue. but if he tells hank that he loves him, too, then he will be unfaithful to han. they are different kinds of love, as far as he is concerned. but love all the same. what he feels for hank is not as simple as liking him as a friend. being a partner is so much more than that. ]

I'm sorry, I don't -- [ his led runs red for a moment and then stabilizes to yellow. ] I'm not asking you to get over anything.

[ It does help to know Connor doesn't just have easy answers. Their feelings are complicated, even Connor's seem to be, and that... is a weird kind of reassurance. So Connor doesn't want things to change -- that's fair. Hank doesn't want Connor to just dump his boyfriend for him either, that's not it at all. What he wants... he isn't sure of what he wants, either. He wants to hold Connor. He wants to always be there for him, like he knows Connor would be if their positions were reversed.

Hank can't really say much to that. He stays quiet, taking in how much this clearly makes Connor struggle. Human relationships are hard enough on people. For an android, it must be even harder. Hank doesn't want to be one of the things that makes Connor's life even harder, but having a better understanding of where they're at would at least help calm the pit of guilt he gets in his stomach every time Connor smiles at him. ]

I just want you to be happy, Connor.

I want you to be happy, too. I am sorry I have made that so difficult.

[ Hank steps back up close to Connor, setting a hand on his shoulder. He doesn't want to lose Connor. God knows, he couldn't handle that. They both know they need each other. And really, Hank doesn't know what would make him happy... besides, y'know, Connor smiling at him and flirting at him but without the aforementioned guilt clawing at him for being a cheating old asshole who's taking advantage of someone's boyfriend.

But it's not like that, is it? Maybe? He should get over this. Even if Connor isn't asking, Hank should know better. He can't keep putting the blame on Connor like this. ]

It's not your fault. Us humans have a way of making feelings and shit really fucking complicated, alright?

I think I have made it complicated, too. I'm sorry, I'll stop putting you in this position.

[ stop flirting with him. stop teasing him. ]

You shouldn't have to feel like you're doing something wrong.

[ Flirting is ok!! The teasing is... where it starts to hurt, Connor. ]

It's okay. I know it's your first time dealing with this stuff. I shouldn't take it so personally.

[ Connor just flirts with everyone, there's no reason to think he's special? No, shut up, Hank those are bad thoughts. ]

It's... I know what we have is different. [ From what Connor has with Han, he means. ] You and me have always been close. You don't have to change anything about yourself for my sake, Connor.

Edited 2018-09-22 19:07 (UTC)

[ consider the teasing is part of the flirting for him. ]

But I don't like seeing you hurt like this.

[ See, that's what Hank needs to get. God, Hank. ]

Think I said this before, Connor, but you can't hurt me any way I haven't been hurt before. It's alright. I'll get over it.

[ yeah, how did that conversation go, Hank?? ]

That hasn't worked so far.

[ Hank grimaces. ]

I'll just have to try harder.

[ He doesn't... he doesn't want to. ]

You know what? Fuck it.

[ Hank holds out his hand. He doesn't have anything hide from Connor. He'd never want to. ]

Talking is just getting us going around in circles.

Are you certain that's a good idea?

[ given how intense both of them were about this...maybe it would just hurt them. ]

Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't wanna hide anything from you.

[ His hand is out there. He's... he's putting a lot at risk here, but he'd rather know how Connor feels, personally, than keep forcing himself not to feel. ]

Alright.

[ connor takes his hand. he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. and then he waits to see what hank sends him. ]

[ Hank has a lot of feelings. Obviously, since he's human, he has. Lots of them. But about Connor, specifically, he is practically overflowing with them. He feels warmth and protectiveness for him, for every time Connor put himself in danger for him, every time Hank tried so hard to pull him away from danger. It had happened here just as it had happened back home. The freeway. The wall. Time and again, Hank wanted to keep Connor safe -- but he couldn't. He can't always be there, he knows that. At Cyberlife, it had been Connor who put himself in danger for him. In the revolution, it had been Connor who walked proudly into danger, who did what Hank could not.

It was Connor who returned. Who met him at the Chicken Feed. Who hugged him and held him like he'd never let go. Like things were alright. Like they would be fine. Maybe it's not technically this Connor who did that, but Hank can think back to half a dozen times that he's held him -- guarded him from his fears after his death, clutched him through the pain of being nearly discarded by someone Connor held so close to his heart. Hank wouldn't want to be anywhere else, he wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

Hank has been there, time and again. Through the good and the bad. A solid force. But he isn't immovable. He isn't a mountain. He's been weak. (He drank with Rebecca when they thought Connor was dead.) And he's been petty. (He slept with Hale. That's almost an afterthought, though.) And he's been jealous. (He stopped talking to Han, stopped reaching out.) And for all that he tries to push those feelings down, it is a struggle. He pushes them down when he helps people, when he's there for Connor and Rebecca and Viral. For Osomatsu and Max. He wants to help them and he wants to get better -- not just so he can be good enough for Connor, but so he can better himself.

So he can stop making the same damn mistakes. Maybe that's the important thing -- Hank is trying. He'll keep trying. Even if they're dead, he can help people. Maybe in doing that, he can help himself. ]

[ connor starts crying when he gets the memory at the chicken feed. hank's overwhelming happiness to be reunited with him, the ending he couldn't have. the tears start flowing quietly, wordlessly. it hurts so much to know how happy he could have been. but the pain is good in its own way.

there's so much to work through (including, yes, the awkward feeling of understanding what he was like when hank slept with hale --- wait what?!) but eventually he gets through the whirlwind of hank's feelings. that he is trying. that he is becoming better.

so connor shares his - his attempts, here, tonight to think for himself and have imagination and try things that he'd never tried before. he shares his love for han. it feels like a whirlwind. it is intense and quick and sometimes terrifying, the way he feels like han might just slip from his fingers if he holds him too tight. the way he'd almost lost him, the despair he'd felt that he could've hurt him and fucked up. he shares the sex -- mindblowing, amazing sex that makes it so easy to forget everything else. (and how desperately he needed to forget everything else.) he shares dying in han's arms, telling him he loved him. and how truly he meant that.

but then, the love he feels for hank. where his feelings for han are a whirlwind, hank is a mountain. he is strong and stable. he is a warm hug and a comforting hand on his shoulder. that no matter what the problem he had, hank was there to fix it. he admired hank, regardless of his flaws. that he wanted so badly for hank to be happy. that he could never imagine a life where hank wasn't there to catch him if he fell. but he'd died in hank's arms, too. when he'd taken a bullet for him. and didn't hank understand that? that he'd die over and over again for this man? and didn't he understand how badly it hurt him to think that, instead, he was hurting him? he had never teased him to make fun, only because he loved talking to him. only because what he felt for hank was love, too.

two different kinds of love for the two most important people in his life. he cannot untangle it and he does not know what to do with it. it terrifies him. but he can no sooner delete or ignore those feelings. ]

Edited 2018-09-23 04:42 (UTC)

[ Oh, goddammit, Connor. He totally deserved the sex part but yeah that's happening. That's a memory he has now. But he understands it, too. How Connor needed something real, how desperately he wanted Han both because of how he felt for him and how he helped him forget everything else. The feelings he has are real, Hank never doubted it, but there's a context to them that Hank couldn't just get without all of that (okay, maybe he could have without the sex, but it's too late now.)

He feels Connor die, again and again. Tears start to make their way down Hank's face as well. Each time Connor died, he without regret, each time he would freely give his life for him. Hank feels how incredible and unwavering Connor's love is for him, how he holds onto Hank because he is steady, because he will always be there and keep him safe. It's all true -- and Hank recognizes he is hurting him. Connor isn't trying to hurt him because Connor means every word he says to Hank. How could he lie to someone he loves so deeply? He wouldn't. Hank knows that. He can feel that.

Connor hadn't made it to the Chicken Feed, he'd been alone then, but he is not alone now.

He would never be alone, because Hank is there for him. And he loves him. And it is different, Hank can feel that, but it isn't any less and it doesn't change anything between them. Really, it's something Hank should have known by now... but Hank has always been a little slow on the uptake when it comes to feelings. He couldn't change a thing about Connor, hopefully Connor wouldn't change a thing about him, either. ]

I'm an asshole.

[ Hank finally says, sniffling past the tears. How fucking embarrassing. It's a good thing it's just Connor -- Hank will never have to feel embarrassed around Connor, not after this. ]

No, you're not.

[ it's a lot, what they've both shared. belatedly, he regrets that it shared so much about his deaths; that he'd given hank feelings he knows no human should have to deal with. it was like he had warned - it could be too intense because the emotions he feels about hank are so intense. it's hard for him to control them the way he would with other things.

but connor wouldn't change anything about hank, either. they're in this for the long haul.

he reaches over to wipe away hank's tears. ]

Its okay, you don't have to cry.

[ It's alright. It would all be alright, Hank knows that. He knows that Connor deaths were all important to him. They shaped him, just like they've shaped Hank. Understanding Connor's feelings came with good and bad; Hank would take it all for him. ]

You're the one crying.

[ He reaches over and wipes away some of the tears Connor had shed earlier. Connor's face may not get all hideous and red from crying, but Hank knows now, with certainty, that they aren't any less real. He never doubted it. Connor is real. He is devoted to Hank as much as Hank is devoted to him. He smiles, teary-eyed and pathetic. ]

We make quite the pair, you and me.

R1 DEADLAND

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject