deadtention | R1 DEADLAND PT2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

[Okay.. she's listening. She clearly isn't happy about it, but this is probably the one chance he has to say what he wants to say to her. Don't fuck it up, Stuart. Don't fuck it up.]

I.. I just..

[2-D takes a deep breath, steadying himself before he looks up at Rebecca. He's never been good at words, and he's absolutely frightened of saying the wrong thing but he just has to think about their friendship. About the tea they drank together, how she held him close to her as he sobbed over thinking he had witnessed young Noodle dying in a ball of flames. The young girl that drove him mad with grief, and sparked the stupid thoughts about killing someone in the first place. The reason he ruined such a wonderful friendship.]

I know what I had done was bad. More than bad, it was terrible. I took away the life from such a bright, wonderful young girl because-- b-because of a selfish thought that I was going to lose everything if I didn't do somethin' to get my hearing back.

[He drops his gaze a little, feeling his chest tighten so much that he has to ball his hands into fists just to let the pressure out somehow. Digging his nails into the palms of his hands.]

I-I said some really stupid things-- stupid, awful things because I-- I didn't think about what I was saying. I shouldn't have told you that I killed her because I wanted to talk to you again... that wasn't even the truth of it at all. I-I just.. I wanted you to know how I felt before I died, but it was so stupid of me to put that blame on you in the first place.

You didn't have anything to do with why I did something so-- so fucking awful. I thought I was going to lose everything I was, or... everything I wanted to be, and the silence drove me mad. I thought about.. a-about Noodle, ever since those bloody hallucinations happened. And I thought about what Mister Young said about how i-if we didn't kill someone, we'd be stuck like that forever and I.. I-I just snapped.

[2-D's arms shake a little bit, his voice trembling along with it and he looks back up at Rebecca with wet eyes. But he's biting back the tears -- this isn't about him, it's about her. It's about her feelings.]

I-I-I killed that poor girl because I was scared of the silence and I just wanted it to stop. All I could hear were my own awful thoughts and I couldn't even drown them out with music anymore like I usually do, a-and instead of reachin' out to someone I betrayed all of my dear friends' trust, and I ruined every good relationship I had made. Over a band that w-would have replaced me by then anyway.

And I haven't had a single night's rest since then. I'm not happy with what I did, I-I didn't want to make it into my own horror film. I'm just a-- a-a stupid coward, and I'm so, so sorry...!

[And.. now comes the tears as he spills that out. He knows it's just making him look pathetic, and it's taking away from the fact that he had done something unforgivable. So he reaches up with his hands to cover his face, shaking his head.]

I'm so sorry, Rebecca...

Edited (changes some wording ) 2018-09-25 12:27 (UTC)

[ ...It's a lot. Rebecca wonders, briefly, if this is what's written in that letter. If in that way, it'd be easier to digest, to read over it again and again instead of everything just laying out here.

It's what she's always asked for, honesty. The more he talks, the more her icy exterior chips and clips, the more she goes rigid but not because of where she's standing, because she's been composing rants to him for weeks, for what he did to all of them, to Maya, to her, for taking all the good and warping it--

For how she could see bits of herself in it all, even if she hadn't...killed someone. For that selfish behavior hitting such a cord within her.

(Selfish, selfish, selfish. Always selfish, aren't you, Rebecca?)

Looking at him makes her feel both rooted to the spot and like she wants to run away. What can she do? How...to respond to it all?

She's quiet, while he sobs. Quiet, until-- ]

...I can't forgive you for...for something like this. I- for...Maya, for what you put me through. But I-

But... if you really mean all this... I'm... I'm thankful...to hear- ...For a real explanation.

[To be quite frank, 2-D didn't really expect much of a positive reaction from Rebecca. Not that he told her all of this specifically to get one out of her, he just wanted her to know that he genuinely felt awful for what he'd done and was apologetic for the things he said. He didn't expect forgiveness -- hell, he'd almost prefer that people didn't forgive him so easily. He can't forgive himself, either. But at the same time he's very grateful for those who have and.. well, even with his memories of years of abuse and mistreatment, he always hoped Murdoc would turn around and be his friend. And it's a little similar, here.

Even after he did the worst thing a human could possibly do, and he understood the extent of his actions, he hoped everyone would turn around be kind to him. He's a bit childish in that regard, and Rebecca, one of the best friends he's sadly made in his.. life, was the one person that hurt him the most when she treated him sharply. So at first, when she responds with a softer tone, telling him that she's thankful for his explanation he's not entirely sure how to respond fully.

She was the only one who didn't let him off for what he'd done, and in that regard the only one who was giving him a real sense of... consequence. Something that hurt so much coming from someone so kind, but at the same time was a little bit.. not comforting, but reassuring of the fears and guilt he felt over stabbing that girl so many times. Part of him wants to reply maturely, and tell her that she doesn't need to forgive him and that now that he's been able to get that off his chest, he'll let her come to him if she's ever ready to.

But the other part, the childish part, is just so... damn happy that his words actually got to her, and she responded in a bit more of a positive way. Because of that conflict in feelings, 2-D's knees end up just buckling under himself and he falls to his knees with a big, relieved sounding sigh. Like a bunch of pressure was just lifted off his shoulders, and he felt like he could breathe again.]

....thank you... f-for hearing me out.

[He wraps his arms around his stomach, a small smile on his face that he hides by looking at the floor for now.]

And, um.. about that letter... i-it was stupid of me to try and give it to you. I shoulda' just waited, and I'm sorry for that, too.

[ At this, Rebecca just turns away, a lump in her throat.

She can't comfort him. She doesn't want to. He lost that right.

But at least she doesn't want to kick sand in his wounds. The wounds he caused himself. ]

It was. It was- incredibly stupid, after everything- after all I'd been through. [ She breathes in deep. ] At least you understand that.

[2-D nods, unaware that she can't see him nod in the first place and it takes a couple of seconds of silence for him to look up and realize she was turned away. So, he lowers his face again, looking at a random spot on the ground as he replies.]

I think I just.. got too used to being here that I didn't actually realize somethin' awful happened to you. I... I was just really happy to see you again.

[He lets go of himself, to reach up and wipe at one of his eyes.]

...Crivvens, I should stop being surprised, just by how stupid you are.

[ It's not a warm teasing, but it's not the same frigid bite. Rebecca has far from forgiven him--maybe she never will. But...this is a start. Isn't it? ]

Hah!

[2-D just lets out a dry sounding laugh at that, but it does get a little smile on his face again.]

I honestly never thought I was as stupid as everyone kept telling me but... but I think I'm startin' to see it, now.

[It sounds a little bitter, but honestly it's the truth and he can't even really be mad.]

Especially after all that junk I ended up rememberin' when I woke up here. Like, remember when I told you I must've been in a coma for... a really long time because my age was all wrong?

[He lifts one of his arms to run a hand through his hair, feeling embarrassed by admitting this.]

It was just one year.. er, maybe two. I don't remember much about that time but I was definitely awake for all the years after.

[ That makes more sense, doesn't it? Honestly, she should've thought of that, but- well, he was so earnest, and she was so unwilling to believe their memories had been tampered with.

See how well that turned out for her.

The book tightly clutched in her arms, Rebecca keeps focus on a point at the wall. Away from him, away from the siren's call of the library. ]

That's...good. [ ... ] Good for you, then. That it wasn't like that.

[ ...Rebecca sighs. ]

I... I should be going, Stuart.

[Ah.. it's almost funny how disappointed he feels when Rebecca tells him she should leave. Of course it's not like they're suddenly the best of friends now that he's apologized, so he shouldn't be expectant of her wanting to stick around and hear about all the stuff he remembered -- even though he had so much to tell her. But.. still. It hurts, but at the very least, they're... somewhere better.

This was a start.]

Ah, yeah. Of-- of course.

[He doesn't move off the floor, even though he probably should he just.. he needs a moment to process all of... This.]

Um.. thank you. If you ever want to... to talk or anythin'... [He starts, knowing full well that this may as well be the last time they'll talk to each other but despite that, he looks up at Rebecca with a warm smile.]

My door's always open.

[ A part of her wishes that smile, this little moment, could make up for all of it.

But the truth of the matter is, it can't. So, she responds with a small quirk of her lips--nothing close to a smile, not at all--and a slight glance in his direction.

It's better than nothing. ]

...I know.

[Honestly, he'll take it. It still hurts -- all of this does. But that little twitch of a smile and passing look feels.. really hopeful. Really hopeful. And now that he's gotten all off his chest that he wanted, he doesn't feel this.. blockage in his chest anymore. He feels so relieved he could cry (more than he already has) but he doesn't, he just nods and lets her be on her way as he gives himself a little bit more time to calm down.]

R1 DEADLAND PT2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

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