deadtention | R1 DEADLAND PT2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

[It's because of the glasses. Mitarai feels relieved. He didn't leer.]

Oh!

[He looks the same as ever... Then he can't be relieved! Yoosung is going to be cursed with this knowledge of his twisted desires for the rest of this simulation!

One thing is really clear: Mitarai is literally on the precipice of a panic attack.]

I think I really need some fresh air... [He takes a few big steps backwards and cracks a nervous grimace.] You can probably tell from those! Ahaha! [That does it, walking backwards isn't fast enough - Mitarai begins walking briskly forward to the nearest door leading outdoors, which specifically goes to the garden. His stomach is sinking into the abyss... But out of the corner of his eyes, he's still subconsciously looking for Yoosung to follow him.]

[All of those strongly visceral reactions are pinging his sensors like crazy. And when he says that last thing, Yoosung becomes convinced that he is just really freaking him out. For a moment, he stands rooted in place, stunned and doubting himself, not wanting to leave it this way but afraid to make things worse. But he notices the subtle turn of Mitarai's head toward him as he starts to turn around the corner, and at that point he makes the split decision and jogs to catch up.

At the same time, he pulls the glasses off of his face. Regardless of if that is a motion that Mitarai would notice and treasure, he catches up at the grass. Well... he did want to be alone with him. If he stops trying to get away from him here, he could get his wish.]

No one's at the gazebo...

[Mitarai stopped looking back at Yoosung as soon as he was out the door, though partly because he could hear those footsteps following him. By the time those words reach him, Mitarai has braced himself against a tree already getting out of breath from even this much running. Now he uses it as leverage to look up at the gazebo.]

You're right...

[Mitarai pushes himself up to look at Yoosung. Without the glasses but with the mental priming from what has happened so far, the story unfolding on his face is pretty easy to read. He looks at the bare face, double takes, looks down at the glasses in the hand, and then looks at the face again slightly disappointed. Then he turns out to look at the gazebo once again and speak all wistful.]

This is how it should have been that day...

[Yoosung had thought he was freaked out by being looked at through the glasses, which is why they are now in his hand. He did run away almost immediately after hearing it, although he also could see his relief, so... who knows, he thought it was better safe than sorry after running after him.

Hearing that line, though, it makes him think Mitarai was probably kiting him to this spot. Though he doesn't know why, what the significance of the garden would have been for "that day" - They already hung out in the garden at Chuseok, it can't be that. But there wasn't any other time they were supposed to go to the garden alone, as far as he knows.]

When...?

[Mitarai is walking up the steps into the gazebo. He is completely dependent on the hand rail. His entire forearm braces against the hand rail as he rotates back to look at Yoosung.]

You know...

[It really sounds like he is about to name a specific day that he expects Yoosung to know. But he gets derailed.]

Hey... [He crooks his finger at his own temple in the universal gesture for "put on your glasses".] What happened to your happiness not mattering? I actually... really admired your resolve to protect all our codes... I didn't want to get in your way...

[Yoosung is following behind him cautiously, but stops short and blinks a couple times when he points at his face, leaving Mitarai to stand a little taller than him (for once) on the higher step. Admiration, huh. Yoosung nods... Maybe Mitarai thought he was looking down on him or something, but he won't ignore his wishes. It's true that his happiness doesn't matter that much in this case.]

Y-You're not in the way... we're the only ones here. [But still, he unfolds the glasses and puts them back on, codes streaming across his third eye once more.]

...I misunderstood you. But anyway, the code analysis is back on now. Should I focus on it while you're talking to me, though?

[He's not sure if that's what he wants or not... it shouldn't be a distraction either way though, because of how it works alongside his cognition.]

[Mitarai thought at first that the experience of looking at his yearning code must be overwhelmingly unpleasant. When Yoosung denied experiencing such vehement disgust, Mitarai decided that the strength of this more fully realized AI totally outweighed his own discomfort at being viewed. Anyway they're moving on.]

Whatever works best for you. [This being different from pure happiness, as they know. Hey, maybe he can focus on the codes for other things instead. Who knows.] More importantly... It seems like only a fragment of the truth reached you... And leaving you holding just that shard could, well, cut you?

[He smiles, apologetic. It's a roundabout path to the point, but the setting is way better than the last time he told him something shocking, it has to be. At this point Mitarai has finally sat down at the side of the gazebo overlooking a flowerbed, though from the low seated vantage point the insects flitting over the flowers are what's easiest to see. He's kind of at an angle obviously waiting for Yoosung to sit down next to him, facing the empty adjacent space almost more than the flowers.]

[He was mostly overwhelmed with surprise and not given time to think about how it might have unpleasant consequences when technically the most he's seen, however strong, is a hard coded dopamine rush. What Mitarai does with that rush is beyond his knowledge... although, being told it could 'cut him' makes it sound a bit scary.]

You don't have to be so cryptic... I know more stuff now, but I haven't actually gotten smarter, haha.

[Well, he'll walk up to join him on the gazebo floor then. The insects are pretty noticeable. That's a lot of butterflies.]

You said this is how it should have been, right?

[He still remembers what Mitarai said when he hugged him on his first day in the simulation. Since he seemed to think it was obvious Yoosung should know, his only guess is that he meant...]

...With us as friends.

[He sits down by him. But his reactions are so much more than friendly. With them sitting together like this, the data will show that again, right...? Like he said on Chuseok, though, it's not an order. It should work out and be okay.]

Edited 2018-10-03 03:02 (UTC)

So... more "directly", then...?

[There's a subtle manic glint in his eye during the moment when he watches Yoosung sit down, like he's been given a dangerous toy. When they sit next to each other - everything has been so wild that Mitarai hasn't gotten back to that head in the clouds feeling at all. His heart is pounding, but rather than fast, more like... authoritatively.

He had thought it was obvious that Yoosung would know when, but not necessarily what, and at any rate they pretty much lost the thread of the conversation from the when insinuation, so Mitarai just acknowledges "as friend" with eye contact and a practically imperceptible nod, as opposed to saying out loud, "Yes. This is the entire specific idea that I meant." He looks back out at those insects.]

This is... where I went that day. To draw my... stupid anime. I should have just - brought you with me. Or... Or agreed to tell you how it went over dinner; or whatever you wanted! Anything you wanted. Anything would have been better than... than what happened instead...

Edited 2018-10-03 04:31 (UTC)

[Well, this got melancholy fast. Yoosung can't help but feel gloomy thinking about this... concept that Mitarai was just drawing the entire time he was being killed, and that he should have been saved. It's not what he would have expected to hear about this, though. To hear about someone grieving him, and that this someone was Mitarai. He frowns to himself for a moment - he doesn't really think that Grantaire would have killed someone other than him, after all, there had been a conversation where he compared someone obviously useful vs. obviously useless and Yoosung had been the example he gave for the latter. So there's no doubt in his mind that he died because he was considered disposable, and he would have been chosen regardless of what anybody did. That doesn't seem like something he should tell Mitarai though. His heart's in the right place. With its authoritative beats.]

Mm, sure. I would have liked that... whatever we did. I don't know what it'd have been, there wasn't much... if you were drawing anime I guess that could be interesting in its own way...

[Not like he knows that many artists, anime or otherwise. It's not something he's completely comfortable with, still knowing what his ends were.]

Although, umm, your anime still kind of scares me. If I had survived that way... I would have wanted to stop you, too. I hope we would both be saved.

[He didn't even listen to the perfect man Terra though, so he's not sure what the odds of THAT would be.]

[Mitarai is nodding along, touched by Yoosung allegedly liking whatever they should have done. This concept of Yoosung stopping him, them saving each other, just makes his heart melt. It's unrealistic given the strength of his convictions, but it's romantic as all get out, and he finds himself practically sighing.]

If only I could show y—

[No! This is the wrong priority! With his stomach lurching as if he's falling down a staircase and reaching for the handrail, Mitarai claps his hand over his mouth for a second before speaking again.]

So you wouldn't have to be so scared!

[Mitarai rests his hands in his lap, looking down.]

I drew that always thinking about... The hope embodied by you and Henry-san and Terra... Just a little light in the darkness, not the fire I decided to set later... Of course you wouldn't want to see it after everything that happened, but I wish I could reassure that you didn't inspire something bad.

[Yoosung's not completely sure he understands.]

So. Um. The anime you were working on when I died, it's not the same kind as the one from your motive?

[He's still a bit doubtful, considering that he believed Mitarai thought he was despair. Then again, that's not what he said right now. And he doesn't seem to be lying either. His heart is steady, if still fast. He can practically see him melting, so it's hard not to believe him completely. It doesn't make total sense to him though...]

I ... didn't know you thought I was hope at all. I only told you about how empty I was...

That's right! [He's melting into a fucking puddle. He really did not think he would get the opportunity to make this direct comparison.]

The latter was completely different from all my previous work. If you think about the Hope Video as something that would destroy humanity, then there already wouldn't be any "people" left to reach! Until very recently I used anime, like the Joy Video that I was working on back then, to stun, to stun people like Nikolai-san just long enough that they could be taken into the humane custody they deserve and the victims rescued. You didn't have a tool like that... and I was desperately hoping that I did... to evacuate you and everyone else...

[His head is heavy as he keeps looking at Yoosung. Mitarai has to dig himself out of this hole into an actual love confession eventually.]

...but you were nothing but nice to me and everyone else! Even though Fayflower was a dark cage for you like it would be for anyone, you were completely right about kindness like from Rika-san and perseverance like from Mishima-kun!

That's ...

[Even more completely different than what Mitarai had led him to think! He said he would have killed him! Everyone said he had a superiority complex toward him... what the fuck? This is what it meant to him to reach someone all along? Sure, he said that about the people in danger, but there were also hundreds of corpses, and someone had to be despair... Yoosung is sitting up straight now, staring straight at him instead of the butterflies.

This... doesn't make up for the fact that he killed someone for that hope video, of course. But... it has to mean something to Yoosung. He's not remotely sure how to put it into words though. The glasses haven't made him any more articulate either. Just... what even is this?]

All this time?

[Mitarai faces Yoosung and nods vigorously.]

During trust falls you were so cool and I wanted to prove my strength but then crashed under Max and gave up...!

...

All that time!?

[HOW DEEP DOES THIS RABBIT HOLE GO ACTUALLY

As you can see, he's starting to get a little flustered. His own bpm is going up through sheer confusion.]

Edited 2018-10-03 19:51 (UTC)

[The muscles around Mitarai's eyes are crinkling, an expression he never made in his original life. In such a delicate situation he can't laugh, but surprising someone so much he can't frown. He's pulled in all different directions like his baby has spilled the red bean soup at okuizome - after all, such are the splotches of a blush on his face.]

Kim-kun, I never hated you. I could never hate you!

[The palms of his hands are flush on the gazebo floor - he's opened his posture, the shoulders and ribcage that are usually so cramped over a desk or in a crowd. While he's still sitting with crossed legs, the glasses will show a slight shift in position that's less closed.]

Ever since we met... it was hard to sort out my priorities and move forward. All of them were telling me what I should have wanted, so I followed their advice the best I could, now that we got to meet again. The past week you've been so immeasurably kind to me, and it's more than I could ever ask for! Especially after the way I've treated you and everything else I've done, my desire must be unbelievable. I was ready to wait forever for things to change enough that what I want might not be a burden on you. But with your new capabilities in the simulation, I can't run away anymore. The truth is that...

[He puts his hand on his heart, and his teeth show in an imposing smile.]

I like you! I like you very much! I want to... Be your significant other!

[Yoosung was listening, trying to figure out how this was going to eventually tie back to the topic he thought they were on about how Mitarai wished Yoosung would watch his "joy video", so he wouldn't be scared of his talent, which seemed like it would have been a good step to clear before trying to become closer... certainly before Yoosung could consider trying to have him data transfer, like he'd wished for. The notion that it's a downgrade to more of a 'flash bomb' and would have been used to hopefully rescue them all was a good one, but he's still just trying to make sense of all these positive feelings he's talking about having. These are, in turn, the reasons why Mitarai wanted to save him and why he was feeling so attracted to him.

The revelation that he's had those feelings for longer than they'd met in the simulation puts the attraction into context, and as dizzying the speed is to consider, it's not like Yoosung hasn't been there before. If you feel so alone, even enough days of kindness to count on one hand is enough to fall in love. Even if that feels like such a long time ago now, he doesn't actually find it unbelievable, even if he doesn't know what to do with it yet.... he doesn't know that he will have to do anything with it, until he suddenly confesses. Especially when Yoosung has these glasses that let him visualize a little bit of how Mitarai himself is experiencing this moment, it's moving to hear him express his true feelings. He's still a bit antsy from the reveals just before, but there's a twinge of bewilderment in his heart. He considers this for a long moment, looking at the hand on his heart that's beating so very fast, and his eyes, and his lips calling himself a burden.]

W-Wait... that's not very romantic! Why can't you go at the pace you wanted because I can tell? A lot of people get attracted to people who are nice to them... I don't have a gun to your head. What about dates?!

[Ah.

This is how the butterfly actually feels when the shooting star turns the whole world right side up.

Mitarai feels like there's no floor in the gazebo.]

Really???

[To all of that. "It's not?" "I could?" "They do?" "You don't?" Mitarai might have blurted out those questions at any time if the tender protest weren't continuously gripping his attention, so after the slight pause his confusion just comes out all at once.

Because he did basically think Yoosung had a gun to his head, that the only alternative to wholehearted acceptance was complete repudiation. Some of the uglier possibilities he had intellectually eliminated to an extent - for example, attraction between two men is clearly not going to be the main issue at this point - but on the most basic level of human vulnerability, he was scared right out of his skin, sent straight back to elementary school White Days where the girls collectively threw his marshmallow treats in the trash saying "we didn't give you any chocolates on Valentine's Day for a reason". As he studied human nature, Mitarai got very good at distinguishing rapture from any other type of reaction. Yoosung sounds a lot like he doesn't return these passions, but he still projects the same welcoming nature that Mitarai found so alluring in the first place. Searing his corneas.]

It's not like I don't want to... play video games with you [co-op, not "against". he's gathered this much] and gaze at the stars, and watch anime together—normal anime—and-and-and-and-and-and—[These fluffy ideas have gotten warmth radiating from his heart throughout his body; at this point he blinks hard and reels it back in.]

But why would you ever want to be so close to me, to-to-to-to someone like me, without "really liking"...?

[He put the cart before the horse again. Instead of working backwards from the desired ends, he should have prioritized the means, even though straightforward means had failed him so many times. Where Mitarai was trying to run away from judgment for his desires, Yoosung is disturbed by his caginess. Great work getting vulnerable, Mitarai. The only romantic thing he did today was take them to the gazebo.]

[Even Yoosung isn't entirely sure why "attraction between two men" wasn't a single part of his answer, although when he thinks about it again, he'll find a clear reason if he searches his soul. For now, he just blurted out the first things to come to mind, and now he has to listen to all of the dates that Mitarai wishes he could take him on with a lump of guilt growing in his throat. With his glasses analyzing his body temperature and reminding him what Mitarai must mean in his heart when he says 'want to be so close,' Yoosung isn't so sure he can find a reason why, despite how he still believes he should want to do some of those things together as friends. He finds himself staring down at his shoes for a moment, before he looks back over to him.]

Why would I ever...? [He murmurs thoughtfully. Is there even a reason? Is there a timeline where he could have loved Mitarai? He has no idea, so he hopes he'll forgive him for speaking in a general sense.] Because, everyone has a loneliness to push away, and that's how liking can start...

[Yoosung knows that very much. After all, even just hanging out in a chatroom together was enough for his first love. He cherishes every moment he spends together with someone special, like unearthed treasures. Thinking about that gives him a heartrending feeling, one that he's suddenly sure of more than anything.]

But it... it wouldn't be fair. I don't know what Yuuki would think... I told him if it's for the person I like, I would wait.

[he means to DTR. but......]

Edited (realized my previous edits made this last line sound more suggestive :') ) 2018-10-05 08:35 (UTC)

[Mitarai is looking at Yoosung with great interest. The man who told Yoosung nothing but an artificial hope like his anime was strong enough, to entirely fill the void, was projecting from his own emotional experiences. The long and short of the hard coded dopamine rush his body anticipates is for Yoosung to push away his loneliness personally, and Mitarai's wide eyes are taking in the other man's lips, wanting him to do that.

Then he's blinking. The freefalling butterfly impacts on the grass.]

Huh????????? You what for him...?

[He didn't even have any idea at first why Yoosung would be talking about Mishima, why that guy would care about Yoosung's possible relationship with Mitarai. But then Yoosung says he talked to Mishima about how to treat the person he likes, and - no sentence on its own is clear enough, it's only all three of them considered together, and "huh" comes out during this incensed moment of consideration.]

That's awf...

[Before he can properly think he's starting to whine. He's taken the plunge of confessing his feelings, and this reception was so much gentler than the feared bullying that Mitarai developed some hopes, capable of turning into despair now. Maybe he should retaliate by any means necessary to his muse wandering off the pedestal - with Mishima? Seriously? He's basically just him but with static ("strategic") images instead of sequential ones! Less time working alone to get distorted but more time to get cozy in the entrance exam and simulation! Three years younger! Hey, maybe that's something he can use? Nothing else "awful" enough to say out loud is coming to mind—

Then guilt rushes through his body like ice water, forcing his tongue to still before fully forming that harsh word. Because Mitarai remembers how shocked Mishima was to have a friend in Kurusu and a prospective friend in Mitarai, his discretion about intimate matters that fostered solidarity, how comfortable it feels when the three of them are among the others in the cafeteria... though really it's more like Mitarai is watching the two of them. The co-leaders of the Phantom Guild seem to do everything together, and Mitarai can't say in good consciousness that Mishima isn't capable of doing everything Yoosung needs from his significant other. Is Mitarai even capable of that? He doesn't even have full access to the capabilities of the simulation. Part of Mitarai's desire to be Yoosung's significant other... is a desire for Yoosung to have the hope that comes from a significant other... and there's only one way for that to happen now... Even though Mitarai's hope from a significant other is getting crushed in a way that forces tears to form in his eyes.]

...fine, admirable way of doing things...!!!!!!!!! Kim-kun really is a g-gentleman...

[It would feel kind of irreverent to still focus on reading the codes while rejecting Mitarai's confession, so he's trying not to, but he's still watching closely enough to notice the man next to him leaning just a centimeter closer to search his mouth presumably for a kiss hidden in the right corner. Yoosung already realized he was giving him too much hope, when all he had meant was that he'd still hang out. Mitarai's guilt trips are hard to navigate. This was the only way he could think of to avoid digging a deeper hole, but actually admitting how he felt to someone else was a first - when he starts to react in a whining voice, Yoosung braces himself for the crescendo. He understands by now that Mitarai is meek, but forces himself to speak up, and the compensation is loud. He's expecting a fight, or at least pleas. After all, if Yoosung were in his shoes.... he's really not sure that he couldn't do just that. It's what he's thought jealously several times from his position in the RFA. In a million years, he never would have guessed he'd be at the center of a love triangle, but that only prepared him more for the way he'd defend his love if it were ever questioned from any angle. Even if Mishima never said anything more to him after Chuseok..... If in reality he's not ready or willing to pursue it... what would he think about what Yoosung said under that moon if he didn't have even a couple weeks worth of patience to spare him? He can't cave under pressure, no matter how bad he feels for Mitarai after all of this has come to light. But that building pressure starts to hiss as if out of a deflating balloon as Mitarai cuts himself off and allows himself to be crushed, crying only a little. For a moment, Yoosung is speechless. What can he even say, when he already knows that Mitarai is lying? He grits his teeth behind his lips, not sure if he should tell him to stop or explain himself more. But he can tell he's... really trying. Yoosung hesitates, but then picks up one of his hands to show his sincerity here.]

Th... Thank you.

[He knows it's hard. He knows Mitarai won't understand even if he explains, and he won't want to either. Yoosung knows what jealousy is. That's why he appreciates this so much. So he'll accept the lie, that Mitarai thinks this suffering right now is so beautiful. If he accepts it, maybe it will become the truth, and he'll be happy for them. But he still feels guilty... a thought floats through his mind that puts a sad smile on his face.]

...I'm not a very good falling star, am I? I couldn't grant any of your wishes... I'm sorry.

[But Yoosung is a magician, and he's holding Mitarai's hand right now. After a moment of deliberation... he holds it tighter and data transfers the information on how to data transfer. The information on how to make clothes, too. He hopes that will cheer him up.]

...

[Mitarai lets Yoosung take his soft little hand but frowns down at the point of contact. When he wants to be so much closer and knows that Yoosung is relieved precisely because he won't have to do that, such a small gesture just conveys the discrepancy more acutely to Mitarai. Still, it's justified and harmless. When Yoosung speaks up, Mitarai raises his eyes, and he does feel bad seeing that picturesque bittersweet smile. Mitarai purses his lips, wondering if he should outright reject the self-blame of such an apology...

The information hits before his senses even process the comforting squeeze. A man so deeply offended by getting brainwashed has opened the door for Mitarai to attempt imposing a vision of his anime at any time. Here people can reach other people directly, what he's wanted to do all along... and Yoosung included him even knowing the worst things about him. Mitarai grabs the hand in return, hard enough to push bone. He's crying loudly, eyes forced closed, entire body shaking.]

No...!!! You're the, the best "Yoosung" there is...!!!!!!!!!

[As he speaks he transmits memories in rapid succession to excuse this familiarity - the multiple days he spent hours in the library over books with reference photographs of skies, seeking out the perfect backdrop for his butterfly, until he finally broke down crying over that footnote with "Yoosung" in it and set off looking for the perfect image of a meteor that soon enough manifested as concept art sketches.]

[Yoosung starts to slip into melancholy as the transfer only makes Mitarai sob harder, but the force of his hand shakes him out of it before he really has the chance to feel it. And these memories, so long and grieving, are stuffed into him like too many envelopes through his door's mail slot. He feels the time stretching out behind him, the devotion and care and overwhelming sadness of loss. A pain that's unique to that person's heart. Feelings about Yoosung... resulting in this sketch that has so much character despite basically being a rock. Yoosung isn't an artist by any means. He doesn't 'get' art. If he'd only looked at it with his eyes, he probably wouldn't have grasped its significance. It's only seeing it through Mitarai's eyes that lets him understand it so perfectly. This is what the world looks like to him, gloomy skies that have never been bright before he saw this dying thing crashing and burning through the atmosphere.]

Oh my god... [By now, Yoosung's eyes are forced shut too, and he's already starting to sniffle as his brain catches him back up with reality.] I-It's beautiful... I'm s... I don't know what to say...

[They're still Mitarai's feelings. Even if he shared them, Yoosung still can't share them. But they're a part of him now. He's just going to have to live with that, wipe away all these sympathetic tears. He doesn't want him to be sorry. It seems like he cries every time they meet...]

...that's enough, then.

[The muscles in his face have found the strength to push up a smile. Mitarai is used to receiving praise for his art. It's all the proof he needs that he's liked. Yoosung's impressed face is just as beautiful as he always imagined, and something he could watch forever, that he's learned how to keep in his grip. But Mitarai has done plenty of damage already. He's been entrusted to accept just this much praise.

He lets go and gets up.]

I think I really ought to be getting going.

R1 DEADLAND PT2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

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